I Can’t Stop Eating This Shit

This is a brief list of food that I normally turn down because I hate it, with the caveat that if I do start nibbling on it, I don’t stop until I finish.

Don’t ask me how or why I start eating food that I hate, just know that I hate myself almost immediately for doing so. It’s not because I’m fat, it’s because of the complete lack of self-discipline involved in continuing to eat things I hate.


1. Pretzels



Did you know that pretzels originated in the early Middle Age monasteries? Yeah, they did, which means that these chalky pieces of shit have been around for a suspiciously long time. Washing soda or a lye treatment (i.e. sodium hydroxide) are responsible for the pretzel coating, which also play roles in aluminum production, drilling for oil, and speeding up the decomposition process of dead bodies. Next time your hamster dies, just crumble up some pretzels and sprinkle them over his body. Let science do the rest.

Here’s the weirdest part: I actually like soft pretzels. They’re great with mustard, or dipped in melted cheese. I don’t know what it is about the little crunchy ones that makes me hate them, but pretzels remind me of what the mummified remains of a small reptile might taste like. Still, once I have a single pretzel I can’t stop eating them, and I don’t understand why.


2. Twizzlers


What the hell are these things, anyway? They feel like dog toys, and they taste like they look…that is, like red plastic. It turns out that like pretzels, Twizzlers have been around a long time, having been introduced in 1845. Manifest Destiny, indeed.

Irish people have noticed that the ingredients are all the same as Fruit Loops, and they even admitted they can’t stop eating them either! Shit. I guess Hershey’s figured it all out again.


3. Baby Carrots

baby carrots

I generally enjoy raw vegetables much more than when they’re cooked. I can do raw broccoli, and I can even do cauliflower as long as it’s dipped in cheese. Cook either of them, and I’ll sew my mouth shut. I detest raw carrots more than cooked broccoli, but whenever vegetable platters show up in conference rooms I end up dipping at least a dozen raw carrots in ranch dressing before the meeting is over. This is probably because they’re the last thing on the platter besides the broccoli, and I hate seeing food wasted more than I hate myself for hovering over spare food like a homeless person.


4. Pork Rinds


You’ve seen these on gas station shelves and probably wondered what you’re missing. They’re also known as “cracklin” in the American South, chicharrón in Mexico, scrunchions in Newfoundland, Khaep mu in Thailand, tóp mỡ in Vietnam, scratchings in the UK, and oreilles de Christ (Christ Ears) in Quebec because French-Canadians are weird like that.

These things are surprisingly not that bad for you, but by my third one I still wish I hadn’t started eating them. They’re just pig skin that’s been deep fried, and when you stop to think about it, that’s pretty goddamn disgusting.


5. Cheese Puffs


No, it’s not baby carrots again. Those things are cheese puffs, and they’ve been getting stuck to the roof of my mouth since 5th grade. The fake cheese they’re dusted with gets all over the place, and when you’re finished you feel like you just ate a bunch of cheddar-flavored styrofoam. These things are way too much trouble to eat, but if you put a bag in front of me I will devour them. Don’t ask me why.

Interestingly, I found a recipe for a dish that combines the previous food on this list with this one. That’s right – pork rind cheese puffs. You’re welcome, America.


6. Peanuts


Seriously, get those things away from me…well actually, are they honey roasted? I like almonds. I like walnuts. I like cashews. I like more kinds of nuts than Harlan Pepper can name, but I hate peanuts, and I’ll be damned if I don’t eat three packets of hot & spicy peanuts on any road trip through west Georgia.

Hell, they’re not even nuts, they’re legumes, and a lot of members of the legume plant family are bad for you, and some can kill you. Guilt by association.


7. Trail Mix


The problem with trail mix is that two of the things already listed above are frequently included, and another of my most hated foods (raisins, which I don’t even nibble) joins them in a pretty disgusting backpacker medley.

For chex mix, I usually pick out the rye and Chex pieces, leaving the pretzels for either my unlucky snacking partner or the ants. For conventional trail mix, I skip over the peanuts and raisins, and just eat the M&Ms and dried fruit bits because I’m a bastard.


8. Pickled Sausage

pickled sausage

The ultimate Trojan horse of gas station snack food, these things sneak their way into my stomach and then start tearing the place apart. I once got back from a roadtrip, with my intestinal tract feeling like I had swallowed a couple of Lego pieces. I vowed never to eat a pickled sausage again. The next day, I purchased one at the Amoco (remember those?) and repeated the process, but luckily this time from the comfort of my own home.

I just can’t help it. I’ll pickle anything and eat it, I just hope to God I never find out what’s inside these things.





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