Kim Jong-un Returns to Give You a Tour of North Korea

Kim Jong-un is back!

After 40 days of silence, he is finally back on the radar. Nobody can really escape the world of satire, and I was actually writing this article the same time that he reappeared in the press. It was just a bunch of pictures to fill the void that Kim left in all our hearts, but shit man, now that he’s back let me introduce you to the guy.

He’s a great tour guide, too. He really gets into his surroundings.

1. Behold, I am Kim. This is my kingdom.

If you haven't seen the pictures of Vladimir Putin on horseback, let me just tell you: it's a tie. — If you haven’t seen the pictures of Vladimir Putin on horseback, let me just tell you: it’s a tie.

2. Kim visited Chonji Lubricant Factory this past summer. This was part of a tour to support domestic industry that can help decrease the need for imports, like this lube. Over 80% of imports come from their only two Asian neighbors: China (62%) and South Korea (20%).

Kim visited Chonji Lubricant Factory this past summer, which was clearly as entertaining to him as it was disturbing to the workers. — He probably thought it was caramel.

3. North Korea is said to have the most submarines of any navy in the world (78), yet all of them are diesel-powered and, therefore, practically obsolete.

Why did it take two people to operate this periscope? — “Sir, you have to pull the handles down to see through the periscope.”

4. There’s an entire Tumblr dedicated to pictures of Kim Jong-un looking at things.

[insert propaganda about our forward-looking supreme leader]

5. North Korean recently came out with a mushroom sports drink.

He certainly does tour a lot of food.. — A fun guy in the mush room.

6. Over 2.5 million people have signed up with Koryolink, the North Korean mobile provider since 2008, and proper phone etiquette was serious enough to warrant official guidelines. A mobile phone costs up to a fifth of the average annual salary.

"Hello, Party Pizza? It's Kim. I need a pie with mushrooms and caramel." — “Herro, Party Pizza? It’s Kim. I have a weird craving….yeah, with mushrooms and caramel.”

7. North Koreans are racist as shit, and Dennis Rodman made it worse.

I wanna know what was so funny. — 20 bucks says the two Koreans in the front row had never sat next to a black guy at a basketball game before.

8. Kim Jong-un’s two favorite acts are Moranbong Band and the Sea of Blood Opera.

"But seriously you guys, I could shred this thing in 8th grade." — “But seriously you guys, I could shred on this thing in high school.”

9. North Korea’s fried chicken is actually pretty good, and hamburgers are called “minced beef with bread” in order to avoid lip service (pun intended) to drive-thru imperialism.

"I'll try that one...and that one...and that one..." — “I’ll try that one…and that one…and that one…”

10. Kim’s father had an affection for dolphins and fancy dogs. Kim seems to appreciate all manner of aquatic life.

For the remainder of the day, he demanded his staff refer to him as Octojong" — For the remainder of the day, he demanded his staff refer to him as Octojong”