Acronymize This: FTFY

“You can’t take over the world without a good acronym”  — C.S. Woolley

 

The internet requires decimation.

People often misuse that word as a synonym for annihilation, which means total destruction. “Decimation” literally means 10 percent of something is destroyed or removed, and there’s this whole historical thing with the roman legions and shit, but that’s not important right now.

In short, I think a solid tenth of internet users should be killed, and I am basing this perfectly reasonable, not-at-all-excessive reaction on a single thing:

FTFY

To the uninitiated, this is one of maybe 1,000,000,000 acronyms thrown around on the web. This particular one means “fixed that for you.” It’s most commonly seen in comment sections of Reddit, various blog entries, news articles, or RedTube clips when some smug, know-it-all, trying-to-be-funny jobber taking a break from giving dry tuggers for food, goes on the interwebs, then gravy trains off an existing comment with the “strike through” effect, and edits one or two words with a smug FTFY or “FIXED” as their only contribution.

(sigh)

Fixed? For me? Really? Oh thanks. I wish one of your fucking parents had been fixed, then we’d have one less comment parasite trolling the web.

Without exaggeration, not one person who does this is fit to draw breath. You are neither funny or original, and the lack of consideration for other people’s ideas exhibited in your weak attempts to “create” humor merely succeeds in shitting on the very comment you’re relying on for attention.

Since the internet is drifting annually into the depths of pedantry, meaningless arguments, and increasingly cartoonish, over-the-top and grotesque threats, I think it’s in the spirit of the Internet to call for justice against all who use “FTFY” or “Fixed,” preferably by funneling wet concrete down their throats in front of their families. Either the rest of the internet will quickly learn to fear these reprisals, or FTFY will become a countercultural icon against the neofascist and murderous Internet Police…or both. I’ll take my chances.

But you know what? Fuck it. Keep “fixing” shit, losers. Except your lives, which I am sure are pregnant with meaning and purpose. Just know that you are not funny, insightful, or intelligent, just another virtual nobody trying to feel superior, if only for a moment.

Oh, and you can save the ad hominem nonsense about how I’m the loser for reading comment sections, which, despite the occasional anecdote worth reading, I concede is a terrible habit and a complete waste of time.

Or that I’m a tightwad for even bothering to write this up, as if I should chill out and just let it go. Give me a break. FTFYers suck, but the “It’s no big deal” defense has been used by even bigger assholes throughout history, from holocaust deniers to Katy Perry. People who semi-professionally annoy others use it all the time, like they have some intrinsic right to be a douchebag. Then, when they’re called out on it, they turn the ire on whoever dares impugn their douchey worldview.

One of the many problems plaguing the human condition is what technology has turned us all into: a bunch of anonymous, spineless, do nothing, keyboard cowboys who would rather stare into the calmly numbing glow of 6 inch Gorilla Glass than produce something of value or be a decent human being, even in non-personal interactions.

So, forgive the irony of anonymously bashing the FTFYers of the world, but again, I’m just keeping with with spirit of the internet.

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